Happiness@TheSpeed of Light: Just Say No
Published: Thu, 05/27/10
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Just Say No |
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1,952 words of content including some great reminders to take care of yourself AND strengthen your leadership presence. Approximate reading time: 7.81 minutes. And isn't your Happiness worth it? Welcome to my e-newsletter, which focuses on defining and applying the Principles of Happiness and Positive Emotion in your life and work. If you received this from a friend, SUBSCRIBE Now to get your own copy in the future. |
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This has been the most overwhelming month I've encountered in a LONG time. Seriously, I've been even more stressed than a few months ago when my wife had unplanned brain surgery! I had a major client project coming to a close (with tons of final meetings), an enormous amount of work for a training program I'm enrolled in myself, a peak of client work, and several out of town trips for work... PLUS a son's college graduation and another son's wedding (two weekends of this), all of it out of town and requiring travel....PLUS it's spring time, and we had to get our garden planted in a specific window and maintain the yard. Whew! As much as I walk my talk, all the meditation, breathing, and gratitude practices in the world were not enough to keep me from falling into frustration, overwhelm, guilt (from missing a deadline), and even, on a particularly bad night, from despair. Hey, don't lie to me - you've been there! Imagine: There I was, lying on the bottom of the pit of despair and hopelessness, wishing for calm and happiness and satisfaction...when I realized what the problem was. I was forgetting Happiness Principle #1: Be Positively Self-ish! I'd forgotten that sometimes the shortest path to sanity is to use one of the shortest words in the dictionary: No. And so I spent the next day working up the courage to start saying No. I reviewed my calendar, computed how much time I'd need for all my commitments, and calculated that I had more work than hours available. (Confession - at this point, I had trouble breathing. Honestly!) Gulp! So the first order of business was determining what I would say NO to. I decided that I would NOT say No to sleep. Bad idea, to skip sleep. Next, I sorted out two projects and renegotiated the due dates. I started to feel optimistic, once again. Then the phone rang. "Hi, Jim. We really need you. Right now. Can you come in and facilitate this leadership meeting for us, right away, for which we'll pay you money?" (that's not really how it went, but that's what I heard). Gulp, again. And I looked back down into the pit of despair and hopelessness...and in that dark place I found a tiny bit of backbone and courage, and I said, "I'd love to! AND I am totally swamped right now, and cannot commit to any more work until June. Can that still work for you?" (My mind raced through many dark scenarios... will they leave me? Will they say, "no way?") Hallelujah! "not a problem, Jim. I understand." And we looked ahead to the relatively open space on my June calendar. This conversation repeated a few times, and the wonderful thing is, now my June is pretty full. Great stuff! If I'd not found the courage to Just Say No, I would have been completely underwater, and probably trying to edit strategy documents at my son's wedding or something. Boundaries protect us
When you Just Say No to things you can't handle right now, you are taking very good care of yourself. Saying No creates a strong boundary, so that other people know how far they can go and what they can ask of you. If you have weak boundaries, you can end up in situations you do not like, trying to fulfill commitments you can't handle... and you'll be miserable. And remember, when you take care of YOU, you end up with more capacity to take care of others, and in the end, there's more happiness to go around for everyone. Because I Just Said No, I was able to be fully present to all my clients, meet most of my commitments on time, and still spend all my weekends with family. So when life threatens to run you over, take care of you. Just Say No. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Living Happiness Principle #1, Be Positively Self-ish is critical if you are to open up space to live life on YOUR terms versus everyone else's. Why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator? You can download a 1-page summary here:
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A common concern I hear from my executive clients is that they have great difficulty with strategy time. The issue usually presents itself like this: "I can't find the time to think when I'm constantly being interrupted." OK, why are you constantly being interrupted? The response is usually a form of, "we have an Open Door Policy, so I have to be available to everyone." That gets me all curious about what their Open Door policy actually says. What is the intent of the policy? Is it to let all employees know that, if they unsatisfied with how they are being treated, they can take their concern up the chain of command without concern for reprisal (in other words, that 'all doors are open' to them)? OR does it say, "You can walk into anyone's office, at any time, regardless of your issue, and interrupt what that person is doing?" Does the policy say, "by virtue of this policy, YOU can determine the priorities and schedule of the president of the company, because 'the policy says' their door must - literally - be open at all times?" Usually, the first response I get is a puzzled look. The latter definition is what a LOT of people think Open Door Policy means. "Here is an opportunity," I tell my client, "to regain control of your time." Thinking - which is a legitimate and important responsibility of a top leader - requires some stretches of uninterrupted time. And Conversation - which is also a legitimate and important responsibility of a leader - needs to occur. But the two activities are often mutually exclusive. So, just as you schedule meetings, you should schedule time to think, strategize, design, and plan." Open door policy or not, you are allowed to close your door when you are trying to concentrate or work on what they pay you to do - think about the future. You can manage your 'accessibility' - which is the real issue in an open door policy - by declaring specific hours of operation. For instance, if your best thinking/strategizing time is in the morning, you might say, "I am not available for meetings before 10:30 AM." Or you can say, "I have set aside from 1 until 3 every day for unscheduled meetings. My door is wide open between those hours." Finally, you must enforce the boundaries you define. If your Closed Door time is prior to 10:30, and Suzie sticks her head in because she wants to talk to you about her boss, you need to say, "Suzie, now's not a good time, as I'm in the middle of X . I'm happy to speak with you at 11 today. Will that work for you?" And unless it's an emergency, she'll likely say, Yes. You both win - she gets access, and you get to operate as a strategic-thinking leader. And nobody, including you, has to live in constant frustration. Remember: Leadership is not about a title. Anyone can be a leader who can effectively manage their own priorities by learning to Just Say No in a way that allows them to complete their Thinking work, yet still allows time for Conversation with others. P.S. this tip works if you're a parent, as well, by the way. Or a co-worker. Or even if you are on a deadline and your boss stops by - Just Say No does not mean you can't talk... it just means that you say, I have this Boundary, and I ask that you honor that boundary just now. |
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I am always reminded of this transition by the word used to describe the ceremonies: Commencement. Though the celebration is about the end of school, the word itself means "a Beginning" - to commence is to start. Two weekends ago we had the privilege of watching our youngest child, Jared, stride confidently across stage to shake the hand of the President of Kent State University, and then receive his diploma. Jared went off to college five years ago as a follower, and he leaves a very different person, with a several-year history of leadership and initiative. It was a joy to watch him blossom and grow over the past few years.
In a circle around Katie and Justin were gathered a small group of people important to them: their parents, siblings, and their closest friends from grade school, high school, and college. They wrote and read their own vows (here's the part where I cried). After they were declared Husband and Wife, we all took off our shoes and crossed the deck to the stone path that led to the beach, where we took pictures standing in the sunshine and warm sand. We'd been cooking all day, from a menu prepared by the groom (who is an excellent cook), and once the wedding pictures were complete we headed back up to dinner. Katie is a talented actress and musician, and many of her friends are the same, so after dinner we went out on the deck where a keyboard was set up, and there was singing and a bit of improv. One of Katie's bridesmaids (who will soon join the touring Broadway cast of Grease!) sang a lovely song about "I'm so lucky you're the One" while the new couple danced their first dance. As music and lyrics drifted out over the lake, some of us wandered back down to the beach where we watched a spectacular sunset over the point... Mystery remains till next Sunday: That's right, they still don't know where we are sending them for their honeymoon. At the dinner after their wedding ceremony, they received a packing list, which does include a reminder they will need their passport - but no other information. They will not learn the destination until next weekend at their wedding celebration/party. Keeping this a secret has been great fun. An aside - After dinner on Saturday, Justin was overheard telling friends that he is fairly certain "it's Disney World" and that our focus on "have your Passport" was just a smokescreen. "Nope, I assured him... you better have your passport, because you WILL need it!" I think they got more excited at that point. <big grin> |
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Graduation: To me, nothing represents the bitter sweetness of change like a graduation. It is the closing of a fine chapter of life, one that was full of fun, exploration, good friends, and a simpler life. Now opens the next chapter, which is more like...reality! You have to get a job, actually make money, and assume responsibility for your own life in a new way.
The Wedding Ceremony: The "cathedral" was a large square of sun-dappled deck surrounded by towering fir trees, open to a clear blue sky. Behind the bride and groom lay the crystal blue of Lake Michigan, sparkling in the mid-afternoon sun. |
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That's right; it's almost time for my ELEVENTH ANNUAL Summer Reading List (SRL). Each year I solicit ideas for great new reads that you've discovered over the past year. I'm looking for titles on COACHING, HAPPINESS, and LEADERSHIP topics as well as great NOVELS and frothy little BEACH BOOKS. I'm especially interested in new genres, etc, as my reading tastes are eclectic. The list will be shared via this newsletter and my Social Media sites on June 23. Please visit my blog for information on how to submit your favorite titles from the past year! |
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Buy the book. If you like the newsletter, you'll LOVE the collected essays on The 13 Principles of Happiness, with over 110 practices for building your Positive Emotional muscles. Happiness At The Speed of Life: 13 Powerful Strategies for Finding Happiness at Home and on the Job.
Visit here to learn more: http://www.achievemomentumnow.com/leadershipjim/ to download the series or order a hard copy. |
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I have helped thousands of leaders and business owners just like you to increase effectiveness at work AND live a happier, more balanced life. I invite you to contact me for a free Leadership Strategy Session to learn how you can create a less-stress leadership presence. Reach me directly: Jim@TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com or +1-440-885-3247. All things Happiness Coach: Blog: www.LifeWithHappiness.com. Ask me a question on LinkedIn, Friend me on Facebook, or Follow me on Twitter.    
 
View past editions at http://www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com/newsletter/archives.cfm. To change your name or e-mail address, click the link at the bottom of this e-mail, then click Change Options. Want to Receive Happiness? http://www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com/subscribe/subscribe.cfm Drop me a line anytime with your feedback and queries! Jim * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Happiness is a decision,
not an event.
How will YOU decide
today?
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Copyright © 2010, All Rights Reserved. Reproduction for publication is
encouraged, with the following attribution: "From HAPPINESS@THESPEEDOFLIFE,
by Jim Smith, PCC, The Executive Happiness Coach®,
440-885-3247 or www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com. Join the Happiness Conversation at www.LifeWithHappiness.com."
If you choose to do otherwise, I will be very unhappy. |
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Hi, I'm Jim Smith, PCC, The Executive Happiness Coach®. I work with smart, successful people like you, who secretly struggle with overwhelm, negative self-talk, and fear of more success. I help you become a better leader by "holding up a mirror" to show you where you are now, helping you paint a clear picture of a better future, and then supporting you as you build powerful new behaviors that transform how you "show up" in your life and work. You will achieve more clarity, build broader leadership skills, and expand your capacity to LEAD your life on a MUCH bigger stage!