Happiness@TheSpeed of Light: Happiness Isn't Always The Goal
Published: Wed, 09/22/10
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Happiness Isn't Always The Goal |
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2,020 words of content including at least ten ideas for improving your relationship with your own emotional life! Approximate reading time required: 8.1 minutes. And isn't your Happiness worth it? Welcome to my e-newsletter, which focuses on defining and applying the Principles of Happiness and Positive Emotion in your life and work. If you received this from a friend, SUBSCRIBE Now to get your own copy in the future. |
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I recently read an article written by a mom who was dealing with the myriad emotions that sprang up as she moved through the process of taking her only child to college in a distant state. She spoke of anxiety, sadness, and even panic, and her point was this: "Feelings are important, but they are not always reliable operating instructions." In her case, the emotional response would have been to grab her daughter and head back home. But the rational thing was to leave her daughter behind and let life unfold at college. "Sometimes," she went on, "we must make friends with stress and loneliness and grief - or at least pretend to like them for awhile." This was the lesson she'd learned at a parent orientation session at the college: Happiness isn't always the goal. Happiness isn't always the goal?! What?! Yes, it's true! While happiness is a lovely place to visit, and usually makes the Top 10 Most Desirable Emotions list, the reality is that happiness does not always serve us. All Emotions Serve Us, In Different Ways
In appropriate doses, every emotion has a purpose. For example, Anger and Fear protect us from harm or the threat of same; Love and Affection help us to build connections with others; Sadness and Grief affirm our humanity by keeping us in touch with what's important; Envy and Ambition keep us striving to be better; Determination and Perseverance help us maintain progress; Forgiveness releases us from burdens, Pessimism prevents us from overlooking problems, and Hope and Optimism make sure we can dream of a better future. Another truth is that many of the "negative" emotions are what make the "positive" ones possible. Happiness is only possible if Sadness also exists**. Anxiety makes Calm more desirable. And let's face it, would you appreciate Joy nearly as much if you did not have to sometimes deal with Frustration and Despair? The above statements are only true, of course, when you have a healthy relationship with all emotions. If you don't know how to deal with strong emotions like anger or grief, you may find yourself "stuffing" those down when they rise up, which means you never fully experience them... and so they remain stuck in your system, festering. People who have difficulty processing strong emotions often end up manifesting those in dysfunctional ways, e.g. unhealthy relationships, addictions, anger management issues, etc. One of my goals is to help you develop healthy relationships with all your emotions so that you have the capacity to feel anger, fear, or other uncomfortable emotions in an appropriate way - then let them go, to create the space for emotions like calm, joy, satisfaction, and happiness to emerge. Let It Happen - You'll Survive!
I know a nutritional coach who claims that the biggest obstacle most people face when trying to change their relationship with food is that they don't know how to deal with Hunger. Many people carry the "story" that if they feel hunger, it will harm them. That's nonsense, of course. Hunger is a physical sensation that comes and goes. The emotional "baggage" associated with hunger is a little tougher to deal with. When a client is ready, she gives them this assignment: "Tomorrow, after you eat breakfast as usual, you may eat nothing else until 5PM. You will feel hungry. I want you to notice that the sensation will come and go. If you need help, call me before you eat anything." At the first sign of hunger, panic can set in. But those who follow the instructions soon learn that if they ignore it, the feeling passes. They survive. And by the time they eat their dinner at 5PM, they have learned how to be comfortable with a little bit of hunger as a normal thing. That leads to a better relationship with food as fuel versus an emotional crutch. In like manner, the path to better relationships with your stronger emotions begins with allowing yourself to experience some of them in small, controlled doses so that you can learn how to recover and move on. I once worked with a client who ultra-controlled his emotions, mostly because he feared getting angry. People walked all over him, and he never reacted. I learned that his mother had uncontrollable rages, and he was convinced that if he got even a tiny bit mad, he'd go immediately to rage. I asked him, "If you could have a 'healthy anger,' what would that look like?" He painted a picture of standing up for himself, being able to defend his ideas in front of the rest of the team, and confronting a colleague who constantly stole his ideas. I helped him begin with small conversations and move to larger expressions. He started with one-on-one situations, where he practiced explaining what he was feeling and why he felt that way. He eventually got used to expressing irritation, then frustration, and finally he learned to speak up in front of the entire group to say, "I am really upset that Chris is taking credit for this breakthrough, since I performed 90% of the research." In the end, he learned he could be angry AND controlled, and his reputation - and influence - in the office improved dramatically. Start small, work your way to bigger.
No matter what route you take to a healthier relationship with your emotions, you will increase your capacity for experiencing ALL emotions. So even when Happiness is not the goal, it can always be an option! **For more on Why Sadness Matters, see the April 2009 edition of this newsletter. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
For when happiness IS the goal, there's always the 13 Principles of Happiness to help you. You can download a 1-page summary here:
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People don't like to be uncomfortable. I cannot recall the last time I had a conversation with a leader where the subject of "difficult conversations" about performance did not come up as one of their most feared situations. Second to that is concern about telling people that "change is coming." Meanwhile, we face the reality that forward progress inevitably requires change, and change itself is uncomfortable. What's a leader to do? If you want to be effective as a leader, you've got to get over yourself. While you may prefer to spend all your time in a happy, comfortable world where everyone does their job well and processes always work, that is, in the end, a fantasy world in which your role is unnecessary. The raison d'être - the core justification - for your job is to solve problems, to declare new futures, to reallocate resources, and to name the elephants in the room. In other words, your role by definition requires that you create discomfort, both for you and for others. I'm not advocating for "control freaks" or for those with anger issues to run amok in the workplace, because those behaviors create a dysfunctional form of discomfort. I'm simply reminding you that you must, in today's fast-moving world, continually stir the pot of change, and regularly challenge your team members to step up their game - and hold people accountable for delivering on their commitments. In order to create discomfort, you must regularly practice that emotional state; you must become friends with unease, concern, nervousness, and even trepidation. When you become intentionally familiar with those emotions in small doses, you will gradually strengthen your ability to manage them. You will find yourself more capable of holding difficult conversations because you'll be confident in your ability to "live through the experience." How do you "practice" feeling comfortable with discomfort?
Remember: Leadership is not about a title. Anyone can be a leader who can step into the discomfort of a difficult conversation, knowing that on the other side of that discomfort lays greater potential for progress, accomplishment, and a more positive workplace experience. |
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As of the moment I'm writing this, our first grandbaby's due date has come... and gone. And my daughter is still (very) pregnant. Babies don't pay much attention to deadlines and schedules, do they? Yet they hold a great deal of wisdom about life. A couple months ago we saw the documentary, Babies, at the movie theatre, and were struck by how much babies smile. A lot. From very early on. Smiling is a universal response - regardless of culture, language, social status, or environment, babies naturally smile. They "get" that a smile is a way to build relationships. Smiles attract positive attention. Smiles get them hugs and kisses. Smiles change the world around them.  Babies are very wise, I assess. We all know the story after that. Sometime in childhood, children start to absorb the message that smiling all the time is not acceptable. And so this universally positive and natural behavior is slowly extinguished, until the adult emerges with a "serious" face as their normal expression. And they learn that WHEN they show up - in the right place at the right time, keeping to the schedule - is more important than HOW they show up. Then they must re-learn how to use smiles as a tool to change the environment. And then I think about all the adults I work with, and how I actually TEACH the concept of smiling. Whether you are 6 months old or 26, 46, or 60 years young, you can use a smile to build better relationships, attract positive attention, and change the people and environment around you. So smile like a baby! Meanwhile, whenever this baby arrives, I'm looking forward to enjoying his smile! Update: Our new grandson arrived just a few hours ago, at a whopping 9 lbs 3 oz (4,170 grams) and 21.5" (54.6 cm). I hope to have pictures of him smiling by next month! |
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I have helped thousands of leaders and business owners just like you to increase effectiveness at work AND live a happier, more balanced life. I invite you to contact me for a free Leadership Strategy Session to learn how you can create a less-stress leadership presence. Reach me directly: Jim@TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com or +1-440-885-3247. All things Happiness Coach: Blog: www.LifeWithHappiness.com. Ask me a question on LinkedIn, Friend me on Facebook, or Follow me on Twitter.    
 
View past editions at http://www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com/newsletter/archives.cfm. To change your name or e-mail address, click the link at the bottom of this e-mail, then click Change Options. Want to Receive Happiness? http://www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com/subscribe/subscribe.cfm Drop me a line anytime with your feedback and queries! Jim * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Happiness is a decision,
not an event.
How will YOU decide
today?
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Copyright © 2010, All Rights Reserved. Reproduction for publication is
encouraged, with the following attribution: "From HAPPINESS@THESPEEDOFLIFE,
by Jim Smith, PCC, The Executive Happiness Coach®,
440-885-3247 or www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com. Join the Happiness Conversation at www.LifeWithHappiness.com."
If you choose to do otherwise, I will be very unhappy. |
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Hi, I'm Jim Smith, PCC, The Executive Happiness Coach®. I work with smart, successful people like you, who secretly struggle with overwhelm, negative self-talk, and fear of more success. I help you become a better leader by "holding up a mirror" to show you where you are now, helping you paint a clear picture of a better future, and then supporting you as you build powerful new behaviors that transform how you "show up" in your life and work. You will achieve more clarity, build broader leadership skills, and expand your capacity to LEAD your life on a MUCH bigger stage!