1,357 words of content including 9 things you should stop saying to yourself and 3 “stories” you need to change at work. Approximate reading time: 5.5 minutes. And isn't your Happiness worth it?

This newsletter speaks to Leadership, Happiness, and Coaching in your life and work.

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1. Please Stop Undermining Your Own Success and Happiness
2. In The Workplace: Stop Telling Yourself “Stories”
3. The Executive Happiness Coach®

Let's face it: Life is hard. Many obstacles obstruct your path to success, and many forces claw at your Happiness. When searching for a cause of distress, most people look outward. But the hard truth is that you are often your own worst enemy.

Make sure your own worst enemy
is not living between your ears. ~Laird Hamilton

When other people insult you or push you down, it’s pretty easy to identify. But what happens when the voice of discouragement is your own? Your brain is always talking to you and at you, and for many people that inner voice is “invisible” because it’s always there. Thus your inner critic has free rein to beat you up every day all the time.

When you hear yourself saying any of the following phrases, notice that YOU are being a bigger obstacle to your happiness and success than any outside force. When you pay attention, you can CHOOSE whether to listen – or not.

1. I'm not good enough (I’ll never be good enough). Your inner voice really wants you to succeed. Yet fueled by fear, s/he tends to focus on your shortcomings. Counter that voice by taking time to list your accomplishments.
2. I'm never going to get this right! Never is a pretty strong word. Better: “I don’t have this right YET.” Notice how adding that tiny word creates hope – and gets you past your roadblock.
3. There’s nothing I can do. This statement is rarely – if ever – completely true. You cannot control other people, but you CAN control how you respond to what’s happening around you, and in that choice you take back your power.
4. I hate my body/my job/where I live. Hate is an intense dislike, and perhaps you really do feel that emotion about something or someone. But hate is an emotion that tends to paralyze, which means saying it changes nothing. When you notice this conversation in your head, ask yourself, “so, what would I rather be different, and what is one step I can take toward that goal?”
5. I can’t. Most of the time that's your exasperation talking, not your objectivity. It usually means "I won’t" or "I don’t want to,” or “It’s really hard.” That’s your Fear of Failure talking, but trying to disguise itself as an excuse. Focus on what you CAN do, however small, and notice how this voice becomes fainter. (P.S. sometimes you really don’t have the skill to do something; when that’s true, what you CAN do is ask someone for help, take a tutorial, read a book, or otherwise learn how).
6. They won’t let me. Ah, yes; that three-year-old you used to be still wakes up from a nap every so often to remind you there was a time when you were not an adult, and you were trapped in an intolerable situation. When you hear this voice it means that recess is over. It’s time to put on your grown-up pants and either take action or don’t. As an adult you are never trapped, except in your head.
7. No one cares about me. I’m in this alone. Hmm. This is a tough one… because it’s probably true. No, I’m not being mean, just stay with me for a second. As you had that thought, whom else were you thinking about?
   
   
   
   Exactly my point, sweet pea – while you were thinking about yourself, everyone else was thinking about themselves. Remember we are biologically programmed for that. But once you notice you’re having a pity party, notice also you have the power to reach out and ask someone for support. And I’ll bet you have at least one person in your world who, when asked, will totally help you through it.
8. I totally screwed up. I’m done for. I’m a failure. OK, you made a mistake. Let’s be clear, though – "I failed at that” is totally different from “I’m a failure.” If you’re still breathing, you have the capacity to extract learning from that failure, and then try again. Keep in mind that the most successful people in the world are often those who have failed – spectacularly and often. Accumulated failure has a name: wisdom. So ask, “what can I learn from this?
9. "I’ll never be as good as _____.” Ouch! Comparison is the most insidious form of self-talk. No matter how good you are, at anything, you’ll always be able to find someone else who is at least one-degree better at some dimension of it. Balance is your antidote to comparison, because I guarantee that if you compare yourself in multiple dimensions you’ll find several things you can do better/faster/broader than that other person. No one can do it all; success flows from appreciating your gifts and leveraging the hell out of those.

Now it’s your turn. What would you add to the list?

Remember that Happiness is neither magical nor constant. You must pay attention to the voice in your head and if it’s not being nice you, choose to change the conversation. If you do this every day, every day, every day, I promise that one day you’ll notice your inner critic has far less power than your inner champion. Go, you!

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When things do not go well at work, it is tempting to place blame on others – your coworkers, your boss, or even the organization. That feels good in the short term, since it relieves you of responsibility, but that sort of rationalization is not going to get you promoted.

Self-talk often gets in the way of doing great work. Here are three of the common “stories” I hear from clients who feel stuck or frustrated – along with some tips for changing that conversation in your head.

1. Nobody appreciates me/my work. Well, how are you putting yourself out there? Are you known for producing great quality work, on time and under budget? OR… is your reputation as a whiner, who makes mistakes and blames others for missed deadlines? Google “personal brand” (or read this article) to learn more about the power you have to manage the perceptions others have of you.
2. I'm just…  Really? Did you just say that? Let’s notice that the best way to be ignored on the job is to never speak up. If YOU don’t value your ideas, why should anyone else?
   
   Start by writing down your ideas; then practice presenting them to a friend, the kids, or your cat. Pay attention to standing in a confident, grounded body as you practice. When you’re ready (which will be soon), speak up at work. If you focus on helping other people solve problems, you will no longer be “just” anything!
   
   Disclaimer: if you believe you are working in a culture that truly does not value you as a contributor, please stop rationalizing “they know what they are doing.” Leaders never behave that way (though managers might). Either get the hell out or accept that you are choosing to limit yourself.
3. I don’t have time to Lead. If I had a dollar for every time in the past 30 years I’ve heard this phrase, I would be writing this newsletter from my private island in the South Pacific! If you believe this story, please notice you have given yourself a convenient excuse to avoid discomfort. Plus, notice it is a self-fulfilling story – to the degree you excuse yourself from setting goals for your team or assessing their performance (positive and critical conversations), they will continue to do what they are doing now…which is why you are so busy!
   
   You must create a new narrative. Try, “I prioritize my leadership responsibilities versus my email.” Make development and delegation decisions the FIRST work you do each day. You’ll soon notice that the “stuff” that keeps you at your desk is less each week, while you increase the capabilities of your team. Plus, it won’t hurt your brand when you sit down with your boss to ask for more responsibility. I’m just sayin….

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a Leader who tells a powerful, positive story that empowers self and others.

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For a bit of wisdom every day, pull down the entire Leadership series now.

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The Executive Happiness Coach® is a global provider of Executive Coaching and mentoring services. With clients on six continents, my passion is to help build a Happier world and workplace, one Leader at a time.

Contact me to create more Happiness, Leadership, and balance in your life.

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Copyright © 2015, All Rights Reserved. Reproduction for publication is encouraged, with the following attribution:
"From HAPPINESS@TheSPEEDofLIFE, by Jim Smith, PCC, The Executive Happiness Coach®. For more tips on Leading with Happiness, visit www.TheExecutiveHappinessCoach.com."

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